MATCH DAY REPORT: 6/1

Good news! Waldwick Senior Soccer is alive and kicking!

Bad news! That was at 10:30 this morning! Several players are now in hospital nursing heat stroke, sunburn (mainly to balding extended foreheads) and arthritis!

Indeed, on a day where an early start didn't bode well an unexpected full-sided game broke out, along with some spectacular goals, the return of some old fan-favorites and a record thirty-nine disputed offside calls.

In other words, business as usual for the blue and white.

Picture the scene - 8:30am and already 85 degree in the shade. Six old men who should have been getting ready for church ask themselves: "Why are we here?" The prospect of three-on-three fun (and not in a freaky-naughty way) loomed and the lacrosse goals were dragged across the field.

By 9am, just after Vince showed up with a "huh?" written all over his face, we had a 12 v 12 soccer game underway in the soaring heat. It took eight months, but this was what it's all about.

Early exchanges were marred by reports FIFA were investigating the birth certificate of a 4'9" midfielder who swore he was 30 - and so did his dad - but after he took the ball off Frank for the fifth time, he was welcomed with open arms and the FIFA investigators sent back to Geneva to eat Toblerones and make cuckoo clocks.

Further early incidents were not pretty with a ringer, who nobody invited to play and only lasted 10 minutes anyway, nearly got into fisty-fisty with Dimos. Equally unattractive, but more typical of proceedings, was Keeble's opening goal - a sliding-bottom-of-the-left-cleat-dribbler into the back of the granny's hairnet from four inches to open the White account for the day. Sadly it was the last time the ball would pass Doug in the blue goal for about an hour, when he let one more in thus amassing his total of goals conceded for the day.

Far more attractive was the return of Romario, fresh from Guantánamo Bay. Unfortunately, his parole stipulated he wasn't allowed to score, run or pass the ball, so he was denied glory on his welcome comeback. John Bilow's return was also both a blessing and long-overdue. On the downside he couldn't add a spectacular goal to his comeback performance, but he was able to walk off the field unassisted at full time which has to be a plus given his history of injuries.

Joe also made a return to shore-up the blue backline, but any compliments about his game would have to be offset by the gaseous discharges coming from his rectum. When a flock of geese flew overhead and tried to crap on him, they weren't being mean - they were trying to join in, but didn't have Joe's control skills.

While Scott was pounding in a barrage of goals into a largely unguarded white net, Frank's infamous Doctor Sal managed to injure every part of his body and was as effective as a wool condom as the minutes ticked away. Bound by his hippocratic oath of doctor-patient confidentiality he was able to pass to Frank, but not tell him the pass was coming. And while he doesn't take Medicare, he is clearly a friend of the Blue Cross/Blue Shirt network, such were his number of passes to those players on the opposite team. A determined Doctor Sal played to the bitter end, but should probably take his own advice and take a couple of Advil and go to bed for a week or two before attempting another comeback.

Oh, and here's a note to all the blue and white defenders alike:

Commiting an Offside Offence
A player in an offside position is only penalised if, at the moment the ball touches or is played by one of his team, he is, in the opinion of the referee, involved in active play by:

interfering with play
interfering with an opponent
gaining an advantage by being in that position


Hope that clears things up for you, chaps.

FINAL SCORE (more or less): Blue Team 6 White Team 2

Man-of-the-Match: SCOTT (Blue) - Hat-trick and sarcastic abuse for all.