MATCH DAY REPORT: 1/4

Adam Keeble announced his retirement* from the world of Waldwick Senior Soccer, leading to speculation he was "doing a Costanza" after scoring a hat-trick in the first game of the new season.

Keeble, the Hammerin' Hero from Harrow, scored a header with his first touch of the first half, scored a second header with his first touch of the second half, and swept in a left foot finish from his usual hunting grounds of about nine inches from goal to complete his trio and set himself for inevitable disappointment for the remaining 51 weeks of the season.

Indeed, "la tete d'Anglais" (that one's for C.) could have added to his tally due to the unselfish but naive play from Dan and Ed in the White midfield and their belief that passing to Keeble, The Mad Header, would lead to his scoring a goal.

In the end, Keeble, who was suffering from Mad Goal Disease, and his goals were irrelevant as the real talent in a top-heavy White team stepped up and took beyond the Blue team's huffing and puffing.

With Moe, Ed, Dan, Carlos and Ted running the show, The Miller brothers, Mark and Jake, covering every blade of artificial grass, and Steve in the White goal pulling off important saves, the scoreline was never in doubt.

The Blue team couldn't get the job done in the last third, not helped to be playing in some kind of time-warped-Ice-Age era chunk on the field as they were chasing the game. A reported wooly mammoth sighting on the frozen tundra by the Eastern corner of the field was later put down to just the unpleasant sight of Frank bending over to tie his laces.

David Murphy, from the same stable as Keeble in way - but a couple of pastures away in quality, opened the Blue team account with a fine strike, and held strong against a White defensive line that played a high offside trap, much like their opponents. But the game was over bar the shouting when Murphy went down hard on the ice and left with 20 minutes to go.

That said, with 20 minutes to go, most of the red-blooded male players were distracted by that chick running laps and stretching her hamstrings, so the first White victory of many this year was diluted by the rush of testosterone and the sudden need to go home and take a cold shower.

FINAL SCORE: White 7 Blue 4 (Thanks, Joe.)

Man-of-the-match: Bobby (Blue) -Kept the Blues in the hunt with critical challenges at the back

* Not really. I'll be back. Sorry, Blue Team.